Sunday, May 13, 2012

Simply Potatoes. Oh, and Chemicals.

"Stop peeling, dicing, and boiling. Start enjoying."

"We here at Michael Foods know you are FAR too busy with every little thing to be bothered to actually COOK anything, you know, because it's so important for you to have a family and children and don't have the time or desire to actually do things the right and healthy way, so here: be convenient. We'll help. Don't pay attention to the additives and crap we have to put in it to make them stay white and fluffy and whatever, because we're really just potatoes. Simply Potatoes. In plastic. We say the little trays and the cardboard are recyclable, but they aren't, really. Because the cardboard has crap on it and the tray is a #7 that doesn't have an audience yet to call to be recycled. But it's OK. You're busy. Shh shh shh... don't think about the fact that our products have an expiration date, and that there is no way all of them will ever get sold all by that date, because we make enough so that no one ever runs out, and then all those packages of Simply Potatoes are now Simply Garbage. In plastic. It's OK. We know you don't have time to cook REAL potatoes. You know, those thing that really ARE simply potatoes? Potatoes? And potatoes that go bad can be tossed in the compost. Oh... that's right, we forgot, you don't have time to compost either. It's OK! Just buy another bag of our product! Because with all that time you are saving by not actually cooking real potatoes, you can... you can... well you won't be composting, ha ha ha! Oh, chuckle. You can spend more time in front of your computer ignoring your kids, who are in front of their computers! Or, oh hey, shopping for more stuff you don't need to try to make yourself happy because you are soooo empty inside! There ya go! Ain't progress grand? We love it. We love your microwave, and, shucks, we love YOU, because we know you are hooked on the ease of our products, and our shareholders are so happy. They love you, too. Keep on keepin' on, you!"

Do I blame Simply Potatoes, Crystal Farms, A Michael Foods Company? Of course not. I blame us. Someday, maybe we'll open our eyes.

Maybe.