Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Oh, What the Heck. One More from Dole in Plastic Wastefulness!

I think I picked on Dole before. I can't help it - when I am looking through coupons and I see the word "convenient" screaming up at me, I gotta look at it.

"Mornings just got easier  and even more delicious!"

There was no really great picture to show you the dual-plastic containers. But in searching images, I was treated to just how many Dole products are enshrined in plastic. Yay. They have those shaker smoothies - aha, I knew I picked on them! - and some products called crisps, which seem to be fruit ensconced in plastic with oats or some such in a separate plastic coffin of its own. Then they have just plain fruit in plastic. And they have these. These just-add-hot-water oatmeal with a small plastic sarcophagus of fruit above that you add in after you heat your oatmeal. Amazing company - I really hadn't dreamed of this many ways to trash the planet. They really have it together on that. It's downright admirable!

"Convenient, portable cup." And sugar, and sodium. Look, I know you barely have enough time to properly wipe you ass most mornings, but do you really think these are the best things for you for breakfast? Must you trash MY planet because you can't manage your time properly? Because you can't be bothered to feed yourself the right way? Because you can't just grab an apple instead? Because you can't plan ahead?

I know. Just move along. Nothing to see here. The shareholders of this company really need never worry. Maybe they are privately owned. I don't know. Someone's rich off our laziness, that's all I know. And they aren't going to get poor or go out of business any time soon, no matter how much of a tiny little gnat I continue to be. It's OK. I'm getting used to it.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

While We're On It....

YoCrunch. "Pack some fun in their lunch!"

Fine. It's yogurt. And pure sugar, but oh well, who cares about that. Let's go ahead with these, because, after all, with everything I am talking about, we are running out of stuff to put in kids' lunches. So let's go with these.

Use them for adult snacks and lunches too. And at home, after school. They are very convenient. And fun.

So... one for me, one for the kid, maybe not every day, but OK we have more than one kid and all kids have to have the same lunches or havoc will ensue so let's go ahead and buy three 4-packs to partially get us through the week. They were on sale. We'll go through them in a few days. That's 12 of the bottom part and 12 of the top part. 24 pieces of not-getting-recycled plastic into the landfill, ocean, whatever. From one family. Multiply by millions. Multiply THAT by - we'll be conservative - 2 days a week times 52.

I've done the math. You go ahead. I'll be over here. I'm done.

Monday, October 28, 2013


Olives. They aren't for everyone. They aren't one of the top - oh - FIFTY things you think to put in a lunch box. I love black olives. Love them love them. I have a friend who thought he hated them but when they are around, he can't get enough of them. I open a can and they almost don't make it to their destined salad, because I just pop 'em. Kalamata, not so much. Green - took me awhile, but I'll put about 50 of them in a bloody mary, thank you. No need for dinner then.

All that being said, I really didn't realize there was a need for them to be easy and convenient for snacking.

"e-z peel lid! no liquid!" "Guess what? Olives are a fruit!" "Perfect for the lunchbox!" "Toss one in your purse!" "Fun after school snacking!" "40 calories per cup."

Yeah, there are, like, SEVEN or eight frickin' olives in these stupid plastic cups.

At this point, I start to feel that if you are a regular reader of mine, I need not even go on. BUT... I must.

Is it REALLY so hard to pop open a jar or can of olives and divvy them up into your own reusable containers for a few days of snacking? Do you really have so little time that this is how you have to deliver them to your kids? Is the liquid in the regular jars such a problem? Do we REALLY need these cups to be in our environment? OF COURSE NOT. How many times have I said it? These containers are NOT getting recycled.

They make me tired.

But.. but... Goodie, what about the BPA lining the regular cans? Shouldn't we worry about that? Isn't this better???

Thinking of answering that makes me tired too. I can't go on. Really. The more I look at the ad that inspired this post, the more weary I get. It's not gonna end. We are hopeless.

I'm going to go splurge and clean my mirrors and windows with paper towels. So luxurious. Hey. No one else cares, why should I? I've been pointing out crap like this for 4 years now. I would have hoped to have run out of silliness by now. It's not even slowing down, people.

This one's for you, Tim. I'll send you a case of these.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Fail. You Fail. On Every Level.

If you give these to your children, you fail. On every possible level. As a parent, as a human. There are more levels, I am sure. You fail on all of them.

Just, flat-out, plain big fail.

Where to start? The packaging? The preservatives? The sugar, the sodium??? The lack of real nutrition? The packaging? Oh, I said that already. The packaging? Darn it! I said that!

Woo hoo. TWO candy bars inside. What a deal.

Cheese and ham that doesn't need to be refrigerated? Ick! No preservatives there, I am aure. Hawaiian Punch? Why don't you just give 'em an IV of high fructose corn syrup when they wake up in the morning? The pizza ones are disgusting as well. Oh yum, pizza you don't cook! What a treat! Seriously, I got nauseous looking at the different kinds! And this is just the one brand. There are more. Because they sell. Because people buy them. Stop. Buying. Them.

The excuse for sending these to school for lunch - I can't come up with one. There is nothing anyone can say to make me think this is an appropriate lunch for a growing child. School lunches, as bad as people say they are, have to be better than this. As a snack at home?? FAIL.

We wonder why our kids have health problems and attention deficit issues and weight problems. I don't wonder. It's kind of super obvious. How can their brains develop in health when they are ingesting this crap? A treat? A reward? They like them so you buy them for them because otherwise they pitch a fit? "But my kids like them."


Yeah yeah yeah, it's easy for me to say all this because I don't have kids.

Right. I made a choice because I felt I might not do it right, and I didn't want to risk a human to try that experiment, that would have been selfish. So, the quicker these NEVER sell, the better. The faster they get pulled from all shelves because of lack of sales, the happier we all should be. Of course, they have so many preservatives that they won't go bad before too long, but still. Give them to convicted rapists or convicted child molesters. There. That works. Let their health go to hell because of lazy foods. Convenience.

KIDS are NOT convenient. Surely you knew that before you had them. No? Fail.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Juice Sure is Healthy

Ahhh, juice. So good for us. Quite the market for juice these days. All kinds of healthy juices out there. Detox with juice! Cold pressed, high pressure processed juice, just plain old-fashioned simple juice. Organic! Healthy! Names like Naked Juice, Vital Juice. Juice packaged by the soft drink people who don't want to miss out on the market. And aaallllll of them packaged in.... plastic.

Do a juice fast! And drink OUR product all day long for weeks! Who cares if your health concerns trump the planet? I mean, c'mon! Who cares? You can toss them in the recycle bin and it's ALL GOOD! Will the acid in the juice leach out some weird thing like BPA-but-not-BPA-because-we-don't-do-BPA-anymore-because-we-are-SO-enlightened from the plastic? Who knows! We don't even know what's IN plastic! Hell, we didn't know BPA was in there a few years ago. But that's gone, so we're clear here! Who cares that no one really realizes those caps aren't recyclable? Garbage. They're small, they barely add to the landfills. Truly. YOU are doing good for YOUR health and that is ALL that matters!

Oooo - you could go to Jamba Juice every day! That packaging is just fine too! Think of all the lids and straws you get to use! Oh, you could bring a container but you don't have just the right size and they don't really do that anyway and well that's just too inconvenient, you would have to actually WASH it out and remember it all the time. Bummer. Don't harsh my juicing mellow with your inconveniences, Witch." Sorry.

HPP - high pressure processing - actually required the stuff to go into plastic. YAY! "Our juice is so lovingly prepared and good for you that we HAVE to put it in plastic!" Oh, hey, it's lighter and cheaper to ship, too. Don't forget that. Very important. 

I actually came across a company that only uses glass bottles. DROUGHT Juice refuses to use plastic. Awesome on them.

Why does DROUGHT juice only have a 3-day shelf life? Can I drink my juice past the 72 hour mark?
DROUGHT juice contains no preservatives and is unpasteurized, and therefore is highly perishable.  We employ a cold-pressed juicing process that maximizes the shelf life for up to 3 days (72 hours), but cannot advise consumption of our juice beyond this point.  Each juice is labeled with a 'consume by' date for your convenience.

I would buy THAT juice except what the heck happens with all the unsold product?? Is there a lot of waste in their product line?? They say they limit production and strive for zero-waste, and they are very regional, so it may be believeable. I'd try it.

Look, none of these companies - except maybe DROUGHT - give a crap about your health. They are about profit. Actually, even that one in glass tried to say they are better than juicing at home. Because they cold-press, and your juicer gets ever so slightly warm as it juices. So boo. Oh - and you have to drink yours immediately that you make at home. Uh, yeah. Kind of the point. Save yourself some money, get a juicer, make your own damn juice, and if you have to buy a beverage, get some Kombucha. That's always in glass. STOP being a consumer and do something for yourself. I know it's just not convenient to have to actually MAKE your own juice, and all those thin beautiful women in the juice ads look SO happy and free... with their disposable income and endless supply of juice in their fridge - I know we want to be JUST like them! You know you will be if you just drink the same product!

Make sure you keep buying bottled water too. It'd be a shame to not double down on your plastic usage. You can't do your own juice, why should I think you spend a few seconds avoiding the single-use plastic for your water?

Fasts, cleanses, washes... whatever. These companies want you to drink - what? - 4 or more bottles of their product a day? Effing irresponsible to use that much plastic. For a few weeks? Do us all a favor and stick with your GMO soy processed food diet. And please think twice or three times about procreating. Because if you think it's fine to go ahead and use that much plastic, selfishly, for your little cleanse, then who knows what plastics you will subject the rest of us too with your offspring.

We already know you need things to be convenient, right?

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Dole Makes It Easy

Ahhh, they sure do. Sending fruit to lunch for the kids has never been easier. Just buy and send. What could be easier?

Hmm. I don't know. How about just frickin' buying fruit and freezing it yourself? "But you can't get blueberries fresh all the time." How about that. Maybe go without blueberries if you can't get them at a certain time. You won't die. "But pineapples are really hard to cut." So don't eat them. "But I want them." You can't want them that badly if you can't even be bothered to do the work of cutting them. "But I don't have time to do this for my kids. It's easier to buy this stuff." You don't have time? Then why did you have a kid or three? Shouldn't you have the time to do something properly if you are going to do it? Are you telling me you are doing a half-assed job of raising your kids because you are too busy to do it right? Nice.Tell me I'm wrong, cuz that's what I'm hearing.

By all means, since you do not have time, please continue to consume plastic products, which increase the need for oil production, and keep buying these things for your kids to throw away, because actually they are the ones who will have to deal with the mountain of plastic garbage from their childhoods anyway. They'll only have themselves to blame. It's cool.

Yet another example of a product where we could take a second to think, "Is this really worth the plastic waste created here? Or can I do without it? Is there a better way?" But we don't.

I cannot find out what kind of plastic this is. I'm not inclined to go to a store right now to look, either. Is it #2? 5? If they get thrown away at school, I hardly think they are going in the recycling. So they are going in the garbage. Nice. Hello, Ocean. Bet you thought you had enough plastic already, huh?