Saturday, May 12, 2012

Don't Touch - It's Filthy

Your kitchen. That's what's filthy. Don't touch ANYTHING. You're spreading dirt and filth EVERYWHERE. Let's let Lysol tell us how it is: "You keep multiple products around the sink to tackle all of your cleaning tasks–from greasy dishes to messy surfaces and germy hands. However, the more cleaning products you touch, the more dirt can spread around the kitchen." Yeah, so apparently, YOUR kitchen is DISGUSTING. How can you even stand it? You mean to tell me you COOK in there??? Wow. You are soooo gross. How can you even stand yourself? You should go out to eat. Or get take-out. Cleaning your kitchen might be hazardous to your health.

But wait! Never fear! This latest no-touch battery-operated plastic thing aimed at germophobes who don't want to touch anything in their own home claims to be "one solution for a clean kitchen and healthy hands." This one product, which I find completely contrary to the line of marketing they have help to heretofore that you need several different products for every little job, says it powers through grease, cleans tough messes on surfaces, and kills bacteria and gently cleanses hands. They are so caring over there, aren't they? They care about the cleanliness of your home and the safety of your hands. Such a great company.

So, let's break it down. You can buy this plastic machine that comes encased in plastic, so you can buy plastic-encased batteries to run it, and plastic bottles to refill it. And when it breaks, you just buy another encased in plastic, because after all they aren't THAT expensive and you can't FIX it... It's OK, just buy another. It's so fun to use that we use more cleaning product and have to buy more bottles of it. That's fine. It isn't that expensive. And it's so darn convenient. Oh, and go get more batteries while you're out. Those rechargeable ones are a nice idea but darn it we forgot to put them in AGAIN and now we have none charged and I need some soap NOW!

One day, I will just give up, you know.

I love that Lysol's slogan is "Mission for Health." Uh huh. Got it.